My dream body!

Excuses, excuses

So as I laid down not being able to sleep again!  I realized that I use a lot of excuses to hide the things I do to myself.  I will feign stomach aches to not eat.  I will not finish food claiming I'm full.  I will claim, as gross as this is, that I'm constipated to take laxatives.  I love laxatives!! I've lost 2-4 lbs in one day every time I do it.  I'm drawn to it.  That is a hard fight to not do it everyday. 
I wish that I didn't have these fights.  I don't want my daughter to feel this way about food or herself.  I don't want my husband to know all the stuff I do.  He already knows I have problems but I don't think he understands the full extent.  It upsets him and last time he started suggesting that I should go see a counselor. 

Ridiculous

So yesterday I ate like I had never seen food before.  I have no idea the number of calories I consumed.  I'm afraid to know!  I felt so guilty.  It took hours to fall asleep.  I just wanted to purge.  I didn't, but it was hard.  It was all I could think about!  I even had dreams I was one of those people who was so big they had to be cut out of their house!!!!  Woke up and took my thermogenic weight loss pills and proceeded to exercise.  I continue to do random exercises while I do everything else.  I haven't eaten anything today and I feel better about myself.  Hoping and praying I can keep my willpower up!

Extremes

Why do I feel the need to go to extremes?  When I exercise I never feel like I've done it enough.  When I want to start a diet I become obsessive.  Then because I get obsessed with the calories, I just don't eat.  I know that is worse for me.  When I do eat my body holds on to all of the calories I consumed not just what I need, thinking that I am starving.  No matter what I need to lose this weight!!!

Thinspo??

So I see it everywhere.  I look at any site that is Pro-Ana and I expect it.  I look at sites that are supposed to be about recovery and have pages and pages of thinspo.  I don't know how to feel about it.  I want to like me.  That is something I have been uncapable of for almost 20 years.  I know that it is a lot in my head, but I have to stop and wonder if its not the world too.  Everywhere is this diet, that diet, lose 10lbs., get your bikini body...etc.  I think that we have made food our enemy.  It consumes so much of our lives.  That is true for the morbidly obese to the severe anorexic.  We lost the healthy happy medium.  Once upon a time women like Bettie Page, Mae West, Bettie Grable were THE sex symbols.  Now they are very thin women, for most a thin that is completely unattainable.  For some I am very sad, because they will die trying.  And lets not forget my favorite Photoshop.  People no longer have any features to them.  Not a single wrinkle, pore, nothing.  We strive for the unnatural, and sadly the very unrealistic.  I know I do it everyday.  Logically I know this, still doesn't stop me from doing it.  So I can't help but wonder that if we as a whole to the more natural approach to all of it, would it be different?  Can we make peace with our food, and with ourselves? 
So in all I think that thinspo is something that is very individual.  Maybe we should just choose more realistic ideas of what our figure should look like.  I am very short (4'9") and curvy.  So when I look at models I know I am being insane.  To look as thin as they do I would probably weigh like 70 lbs.  Which at that point I'd be so frail I'd be useless to my family.

I found this about how the British feel about the use of photoshop...
The U.S. isn't the only place where advertisers are feeling the public backlash over retouching claims. Overseas, a recentOlay ad featuring a virtually wrinkle-free 59-year-old Twiggycaused such an uproar in the UK that the British Parliament recently proposed outlawing retouching in advertisements aimed at teenagers. The movement was initiated by the nation's Liberal Democrats, whose leader on the issue, Jo Swinson, said:

"Today's unrealistic idea of what is beautiful means that young girls are under more pressure now than they were even five years ago. Airbrushing means that adverts contain completely unattainable images that no one can live up to in real life. We need to help protect children from these pressures and we need to make a start by banning airbrushing in adverts aimed at them. The focus on women's appearance has got out of hand - no one really has perfect skin, perfect hair and a perfect figure, but women and young girls increasingly feel that nothing less than thin and perfect will do."

Thank you to anyone who read all of this.